Friday, August 19, 2016
I wish it was that simple.
People with eating disorders often struggle with drinking their calories. I definitely have a problem with this. I love coffee, but I always make my drinks at home or stick to my trusty SKVL from Starbucks. I like having control & knowing what's in it. Since moving to downtown Tulsa though, I've really wanted to try some of what the awesome local coffee shops downtown have to offer. Easier said than done.
My therapist gives me challenges, this time it's to try 1 latte a week in between our next meeting. When I'm on vacation or with friends, it's a lot easier ordering fun treats. When I'm on my own in my normal day to day routine, I always talk myself out of it. I decided today was the first day, even though I'm already a week and a half behind. No more talking myself out of it, it's Friday and I'm going for it. First up, Foolish Things Coffee Co.
I'm standing at the counter waiting to place my order and a women comes up to the counter beside me, checking out the yummy treats displayed. She strikes up a conversation with me.
Lady: "That Golden Graham s'mores bar could feed 4 people, did you see this?!"
Me: "Yeah it's pretty big, looks delicious though"
Lady: "It does. Golden Grahams were my favorite cereal as a kid. I haven't had cereal since I was 14!"
Me: "Oh gosh really, you should totally go for it!"
Lady: "Can you imagine how many calories are in that thing though, probably like a thousand"
Me: "Yeah, but you can share it. It won't kill you, if you're craving it, go for it!"
Lady: "My business partner who's over at the table with me would be shocked if I came back with that. We own a fitness company. She'd definitely make me do extra burpees for that."
Me: "It's not a big deal, you should go for it!"
Lady: "You're right, I'm getting it!"
I place my order. A 12 oz iced latte with some of their homemade vanilla syrup. Full fat milk & not sugar free syrup, big deal for me but I've got this. I'm going to enjoy this.
Lady steps up to the counter and orders. "You know what, I've totally changed my order. I'll take an iced latte with almond milk and lavender syrup." I guess she just couldn't do it.
My order then took about 15 minutes and I was going to be late if I didn't hit the road quickly, they tell me it was coming in less than a minute. They called my name and handed me a hot latte. I ordered iced, but I'm out of time. I take it and quickly head to work, not even sure if I'm going to be on time now. (I HATE being late!)
So many thoughts were running through my mind during this 45 min time span on this Friday morning in August. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell this lady the significance of this latte order for me, tell her to please just stop & enjoy the cereal bar. Tell her she is saying everything to me I'm so desperately trying to forget. I felt anxiety. I felt defeated in that moment. I was stressed because I was watching the clock, and then running late. I was bummed after all of that, my order was wrong. So many emotions.
BUT, I refuse to let the devil take over this moment. He tried, he tried to ruin it for me but I will not allow it. I was driving almost 80 mph hour on the way to work, praying the whole time. Yeah, praying for safety and to not see a cop... but mostly that these feelings would quickly be replaced with happiness and love. Praying for peace & strength, to not let this morning discourage me in anyway. I'm sitting here enjoying my latte now, thinking about where #2 is going to come from :)
Happy Friday. I hope you're enjoying a yummy treat today.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
It's been a year since my life took a major turn. A rough year full of change, therapy, depression, anxiety and more self-focus than I ever thought I'd be comfortable with. I am so thankful for every last drop of it though. I needed it to happen, I needed to be set free. I've grown and I'm a better person now. Hard times aren't always a bad thing.
A couple of weeks ago I had the honor of sharing my testimony with Dashing Dish readers. I love Katie's recipes and her story, it's so similar to mine. She is the absolute sweetest, and I've found her site to be a huge help over the last year. Dealing with anorexia, hypothalamic amenorrhea, depression & anxiety has been by far the hardest thing I've ever faced. It's a lot more common than you'd think though, and becoming even more so thanks to our current society. Sharing my testimony was important & therapeutic for me. I went through so much, and still struggle for sure, but being in a place where your only choice is to give it to the Lord was life changing in so many ways. I believe we are faced with hard things to make us stronger, strengthen our relationship with the Lord and to help others. I don't know His plans, but I trust in Him.
You can read my testimony here.